computer stupidities (all true)

here are a few of the conversations me and my friends have with people. from my life and side jobs

Me: "DSL is a lot faster."
Friend's Father: "Yeah, but if you have DSL, there are a lot of threats."
Me: "Yes, that's true to a degree, but there are firewalls that"
Friend's Father: "No, but they can hack into your computer even when it's off and steal your electricity."
Me: "Umm...I'm pretty sure that won't happen
Friend's Father: "It's all over the news. You mean to tell me they're wrong?"
Me: "...I guess so."


I have both a laptop and cell phone that are bluetooth-compatible. I tried to show my friends mother how I could connect the two pieces of equipment.

• Me: "See? I confirm the request, and they're connected."
• friends Mom: "Don't do that! I don't want my voice on the Internet!"

email i got from client
Client: "I think I've broken my computer! There's a message across the screen that says: 'It is now safe to turn off your PC.' WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!"

I once used the generic telnet program on the library computers to check my mail on UTM (my personal server email) with Pine. The computer-inept librarian walked up behind me.

• Her: (shrieking) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"
• Me: "I'm checking my email--"
• Her: "It looks like you're breaking into the computer!!"
• Me: "No really -- I'm checking my mail."
• Her: "But that's not HOTMAIL!!"
• Me: "I don't use hotmail. I use--"
• Her: "But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!"
• Me: "No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with--"
• Her: "But that's not what MYYY UTM looks like!!" (apparently referring to the UTM web page)
• Me: "Yes, I'm telnetting. It's another way of accessing--"
• Her: "I think you better shut that off. You're breaking into the computer."
• Me: "But I--"
• Her: "Turn it off. I don't believe that 'checking mail' story."

my friend works for tech support for apple here is one from him

Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service."
Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!"
Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you."
Customer: "No other service does this!"
Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account."
Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!"


Me: "When would you like me to go main office to install the antivirus software on the new system?"
Chairman: "Oh, they don't need it because they are not in a big city."
Me: "Do they connect to the internet?"
Chairman: "Yes, all day, but they are safe because it's not a big city."


here is one with a client over the phone with me

Client: "YOU GAVE ME A VIRUS!"
Me: "I don't think I've got a virus."
Client: "Go download [a brand of virus checker], and you'll see."


Sometime later I dutifully ran the checker.

• Me: "Ok, I ran it. No virus."
• Client : "You MUST have a virus. You gave it to me. It was all over my system. You must not have run the checker properly." (yell, rant, rave, repeat checks, etc)
• Me: "How did I give it to you?"
• Client: "On those floppies with the latest revision of the software you wrote."
• Me: "The ones you just returned?"
• Client: "Yeah."
• Me: "Just a sec...let me check those." (pause) "Well, I found a virus on the disks. Ahem...seems you were about to pass a virus on to ME."
• Client: "Ah...lemme get back to you." (click)

This sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago.my friend work as a computer tech in a chain computer store.

• Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy a virus."
• Friend: "You really don't want a virus on your computer. What you need is anti-virus software."
• Customer: "No, my son told me I need a virus, and that's what I'd like."
• Friend: "No worries. You don't need to buy a virus -- you can just connect to the internet and download one."

when i was working in the city i went into the clients office he was in a real panic. He kept saying something about how his computer screen was shaking violently, and he thought it had a virus! Going down to the computer, I found that the picture on the screen was indeed shaking a lot, but I also noticed something else...a desk fan was placed right next to the monitor, which was plugged into the same power strip. I switched the fan off, and the picture stopped shaking. I told him to move the fan away from the monitor in future, to avoid that problem.
Later on I heard him telling a colleague that his desk fan had a virus, and he had to keep it away from the screen to stop it from infecting his computer.


Me: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer:Ok."
Me: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Me: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Me: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell you the truth I couldn't stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Me: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


On the phone with a client who's office i just left

Client: "My computer won't work. You guys must have broken it when you installed the modem."
Me: "What happens when you turn it on?"
Client: "It won't turn on anymore!!!!!"
Me: "So you don't see any lights or hear any noise?"
Client: "I'm telling you it WON'T TURN ON."
Me: "Is it plugged in?
Client: "OF COURSE it's plugged in, you MORON!"
Me: "When you push the power button it--"
Client: "Power button? This computer doesn't have a power button."
Me: "Sir, all computers have power buttons. Look at the front of the case, find the word 'power,' and push the button."
Client: "YOU FIXED IT!! Thanks!!!!"